Repeat after me: I will stop being a shitshow.
I will stop posting incriminating pictures of myself on the World Wide Web.
Will last until: Your third drink New Year's Eve, when you feel a real need to start Instagrammin' selfies with your tequila.
I will stop pretending to have read books and articles that I haven't actually read.
Will last until: Your boss asks you if you read that one New Yorker article and you know you can get away with saying yes.
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I will stop replacing real showers with dry shampoo.
Will last until: Your first day of work in the new year, when you're reunited with the snooze button aka your best friend.
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I will send fewer mass Snapchats.
Will last until: Your first good hair day in 2014.